When I say “have a nice day,” remember that the “fucker” is silent.
Thanks for having me before the Internet could ruin my childhood.
My favorite Disney princess is Maleficent.
You might be a #Minecraft parent if you've been overheard yelling "STAY OUT OF EACH OTHER'S WORLDS!" from another room.
July 29, 2014 2:58 pm
Mother’s Day is a sobering reminder that I have children.
I’m “Conjunction Junction” years old.
You’re giving me the douchebumps.
Go fuck your selfie.
I swear to drunk I’m not God.
You don’t need to drive me crazy. I’m close enough to walk.
Leave it to the Catholics to make Ash Wednesday fall on Hump Day.
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