Jesus regrets dying for you.
Go fuck your selfie.
I swear to drunk I’m not God.
My 8 year old: "I'm just going to Google it." Me: "What?" Him: "Whether or not the Easter Bunny is real." #wellshit
About 8 hours ago
You don’t need to drive me crazy. I’m close enough to walk.
Cuz YOLO, duh!!
Leave it to the Catholics to make Ash Wednesday fall on Hump Day.
If you position your ladygarden correctly on a toilet, you should be able to pee fear-free.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.
Congratulations on moving into something other than a treatment facility.
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