Cougar Crushes

Categories: Entertainment, Humor, Sex | Tags: ,
Published on 10 May, 2010

Today I’m here to talk about Cougar Crushes.

As always, the ever-fun urban dictionary shall help supply us with an actual definition:

“Cougar Crush: The heart fluttering sensation experienced by women of a certain age upon seeing a man of much younger years, usually sporting six-pack abs, boyish innocence, and a clear willingness to learn. Side effects include: unclean thoughts, raised hemlines, and a deep desire to take on the role of tutor.

When Madge showed up at the gym in a new track suit sporting the word “juicy” across her derriere and offering the new young thing behind the counter two white frosted cupcakes, the cougar crush was obvious.

Since I hit 40 last year, I am quickly becoming an expert on the matter. My son attends preschool at a local college, and when I drop him off I often find myself checking out a guy in expensive jeans with a backpack slung over his….mmmmm, why can’t he be my pool boy this summer.…. <turns up AC>

Then I remember I have a 16 year old myself, which means I am old enough to be that dude’s mom and then, well, ew.

Speaking of moms, I hope any of you readers who happen to be moms had a lovely day yesterday. I totally did. Breakfast and pick-n-paint pottery gifts in bed (and cool sunglasses from teen), New York Times, lunch in bed, got out of bed at 2 only to go flower shop for hanging baskets for porch, and a sunset waterfront crab dinner with our lovely fam of 6. Amazing day.

To get back on topic? Our waiter was totally cute. I asked my teen for a gaydar check, and she said omg he is totally straight and then I noticed he was running around clearing her empty cups and getting her new drinks and grinning at her and I decided that she needs to stay home next time or I will never have a waiter boyfriend.

Although I am a day late, here is my very favorite Mother’s Day song (it is a sequel to “Dick in a Box” if you’re familiar…):

(WARNING: not appropriate for work! Needless to say the one I am embedding is uncensored…click here for the censored version)

And I am including here because a.) it’s effing hilarious, b.) Every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night ┬ác.) it’s the National Anthem of Cougars, and

d.) Justin Timberlake IS my Cougar Crush.

Always has been.

JT was born in 1981, which means I was 12 when he was born so like it’s not like I’m really old enough to be his mom, because at a Catholic School we were told we didn’t need to know about sex until we were married.

JT is hot. He’s hot, funny, smart, rich, and fucking HAWT, so he meets all the requirements of a Cougar Crush.

Coo coo cachoo, Mrs. Robinson.

So what about you? Got a Cougar Crush?

Who (other than my JT) is it?!

  • Donald Trump's presidential campaign is like a continuing series of SNL skits. Is The Lonely Island behind it? Very entertaining <pops corn>