Halloweeniac: It’s Not Easy Being Queen

My name is marymac and I’m a Halloweeniac.

(did I just rap? cool!)

This is what my house looks like right now. Well, this picture was taken two years ago, and this year I switched to green lightbulbs behind the silhouettes (just black paint and painters dropcloths…ummmm and my cool artist friend outlined the ghosts for me).

I am ‘that lady’ on the Halloween block. I have 300 trick or treaters, and they each get full size candy bars and glow sticks. Why full size candy bars? Because I remember being a kid and there was one lady in our apartment complex who would hold out this (silver! with doily!) tray of full size candy bars, from which we could CHOOSE! It was kid heaven. And when we got home and sorted our candy, that lone full size candy bar was in a league all its own. So today, I let the (300! I need Hershey to sponsor me! haha) trick or treaters choose their full size candy bar. Some are brave enough to go check out our haunted graveyard, full size coffin, and who knows what (um, last year, my neighbor in a gorilla suit wandering the streets…) jumping out at them.

I have a Halloween party for adults only (read about last year’s party and check out how funny my teenager Sarah was as Sarah Palin). The party used to have kids but they got voted off so we could wear scarier and sluttier costumes and generally be drunk hooligans one night a year. The costume contest is INTENSE- there are gold headless ‘skelly’ trophies accompanied by neighborhood bragging rights. I have one neighbor who may have a custom built shelf in his home for their costume trophies!

Being (as the neighborhood kids dubbed me) “The Queen of Halloween” isn’t easy.

It’s not easy being Queen.

Here’s me, fulfilling my fantasy of being a Disney villain, the Evil Queen from Snow White (apple, anyone?). Next to me is the full replica spells and potions table complete with poison apple suspended over silver cauldron with fog swirling. Yes, I’m that much of a freak.

I think I’ve written 100 Halloween articles. Check a few of em out here. I collected the articles about planning Halloween parties for adults, and this year I self published a book called Adult Halloween Parties. (If you have a kindle, you can check it out here as well.) I don’t want to be all whore-y (oops, too late) but yeah, if you want to support your blogger by buying her $10 book, I am thanking you in advance! (full disclosure: I get $3 a book). I also have an entire Halloween website– if you click on an ad to buy your costumes, I get like 5% of that.

Ok, sorry for whoring Halloween there in that last paragraph but honestly? It’s the only money I make each year!

So this was the week I decorated the outside of the house. Now each day until Halloween I’ll add one thing to the house until the entire inside is transformed into a haunted mansion. (there are some more pix on my Creative Halloween site if you’re interested, or if you’re my friend on Facebook- username pajamasandcoffee- you can check out last year’s awesome pix.)

This year is our 9th party (skipped one year I had a baby in Sept). My and my husband’s costumes to date: Dorothy/Scarecrow, Frankenstein/Bride of Frankenstein (I was pregnant at the time!), Madonna/Jon Bon Jovi, Morticia Addams/Phantom of Opera (he refused to be Gomez Addams. Jerk.), Wonder Woman/Hulk (he refused to be Batman. Jerk.), Sandy/Danny, Evil Queen/Mirror (he made a cool smoky/green lit wooden mirror thing with his green face behind it and had to tell me I was the fairest of them all for hours!), and oooh, can’t tell you this year’s- all costumes in neighborhood are deep secrets til the big night.

One final word about Halloween.

Official Halloween Rant:

WTF is up with the schools not celebrating Halloween? The elementary school in our town (and its douche of a principal) does not even allow the word “Halloween” to be spoken. WHO allowed the religious zealots to take over and make people think Halloween is a devil-worshipping holiday?

(I mean, I worship the devil ALL YEAR- not just on Halloween!) Snort.

Taking Halloween away from today’s kids is INSANE. I grew up with costume contests in school, parades, and general full-on Halloween fun. The holiday is an AMERICAN TRADITION. Taking it away is like taking SANTA CLAUS away from Christmas!! Come ON! Let the Bible-thumpers start their own douchey schools and let their kids have lame childhoods that will make them hate their parents later. Don’t torture the rest of America’s children! Our generation has an annoying tendency to suck all the fun out of everything.

When I was a kid I wore no seatbelt (loose babies in cars, oh my!), no helmet when I rode my bike, I ate sandwiches made of only Partially Hydrogenated Oil, stayed outside to play after dark, walked to a bus stop out of the view of my parents (on the days I didn’t walk uphill in the snow both ways), went out with soap and toilet paper and eggs on Mischief Night, my mom nursed her kids with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I didn’t have Halloween candy taken away and ‘rationed’ to me, and I turned out- um…. Ok, well maybe we have made some advances in safety and healthy diets. Whatever. I survived.

BUT DON’T TAKE HALLOWEEN AWAY!! I am hereby starting a Halloween revolution. Put on your witches hats and join me! (Which reminds me, I got an anonymous letter in the mail talking about God being sad about ‘my witchcraft.’ You should SEE the spell I put on THAT Bible-toting BITCH!) Don’t let your kids schools call shit a “Fall Festival.” It’s bullshit. Halloween is not a religious holiday- it’s a historically proud American holiday celebration, which happens to be the one that is the MOST.FUN.

If we’re going to be a dysfunctional society, we can at least keep the Halloween ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional.’

Commenters! Leave a note about your favorite Halloween costume or Halloween moment- ever.

Spook on, peeps! (yes, that would be black cat chocolate, white ghost or orange pumpkin Halloween Peeps, cuz yummmmmmmm)



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