Are you hosting Thanksgiving this year? Do you have a dysfunctional family?
Here are some holiday tips for putting the fun (and by ‘fun’, I obviously mean vodka) back into the old-fashioned family Thanksgiving.
1.) Invite as many people as possible. You’ll need neutral boyfriend/girlfriend and complete stranger types to run interference between alcoholic relatives, people not speaking to each other, politics, and religion.
2.) At the dinner table, try not to make eye contact. With anyone. Ever.
3.) Find out what weird little side dishes your annoying relatives like (the stupid white onions, cranberry hash, green bean Jello, whatever) and request they BRING IT THEMSELVES. (Lazy asses)
4.) For the sake of all that is holy, have the kids make name tags to put on the plates. Do you really want Aunt Bea and Uncle Jack sitting next to each other when they haven’t spoken since she left him for the circus entertainer she met online? Exactly. Physical arrangement of dysfunctional family members is key.
5.) Don’t fuck up the turkey. Seriously, even if you have to spend half your paycheck ordering that shit from Whole Foods, you don’t want to go all “Christmas Vacation” and have it blow up in your face. Spend the money.
6.) Use candlelight. Everyone looks less stressed out, drunk, and/or ugly. Bonus: you don’t have to clean as much because no one can see anything.
7.) Use paper products. Fancy ones from the party store. FORGET the good china. Someone will throw it at someone and break it and piss you off, and everyone will fight over doing dishes. May as well embrace your inner white trash and forget the environment.
8.) PLAY MUSIC in the background. Find something neutral. Everyone will still complain about it, but less people will have to talk to each other.
9.) For the love of pilgrims, DO NOT do that thing where everyone goes around and says what they’re thankful for. This will just make the unemployed people cry, the drunk people laugh, and the kids frightened.
10.) Serve popcorn. Hey, it worked for Charlie Brown.
Happy Thanksgiving, all!