After almost getting busted stealing a pallet from behind a grocery store, I’ve decided I have to set some limits on my attempts to turn the entire real world into Pinterest.*
While its fab to be pinspired (see: vintage button lamp) and I’m happy my kids’ doors are painted with chalkboard paint now and shit, I don’t want things to get out of control, so I’ve created a list of 10 THINGS I WON’T LET PINTEREST MAKE ME DO:
1. I’m not keeping bobby pins in an empty Tic tac container. Sure, it’s clever, but I am so sick of seeing that damn pin I just want to NOT FUCKING DO IT to be rebellious.
2. Go on a diet. The clash of pins between sinfully delicious looking cupcakes and hardbodied fitness bitches is dichotomously ironic. I shall continue not working out and eating (but not usually baking) cupcakes.
3. Take pictures of my children or random brides and grooms with weird objects in the foreground to ‘show perspective’ or holding things that spell out LOVE. (we get it. They’re IN LOVE- but we already know how to read the word.)
4. Wear makeup. Thank GOD I already don’t wear makeup so I don’t have to spend my days applying 14 shades of green in a unique and sparkly/stripperish manner.
5. Rip books up! I love tons of the crafty ideas but I hate seeing stuff made out of vintage books. Stop the book murder, people!
6. Be interested in mustaches. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FUCKING MUSTACHES, friends??? I blame the hipster apocalypse.
7. Braid my hair in bizarre ways. I am so sick of looking at women’s hairdos I could scream! Jinkies, folks, doesn’t anyone have a Tumblr of women looking hot in baseball caps?!
8. Become a lesbian. Dude, is it just my stream or are there like tons of chicks posting hot pics of girls? While I can’t claim to be as cool as the carpet munchers *I* know, I doubt I will jump the fence because of hot girl celebrity and fitness bitch pins.
9. Be excited about high heels. Wait – between the makeup and the hair and the shoes…. Shit. Maybe I AM a lesbian. (if he saw this, my husband would high five the nearest guy and run out to buy a better quality video recorder)
10. Want to stare at cute baby animals, because I’m not in 3rd grade anymore.
11. (Fuck you, I thought of another one) ORGANIZE AND CLEAN MY HOME LIKE SOME KIND OF OCD FREAK. Stop making me feel guilty for being cluttery, PINTEREST.
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*I’ve written once before about my Pintercourse with Pinterest
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