Not By The Hair of My Chinny Chin Chin

Categories: Humor | Tags: , ,
Published on 17 Jul, 2009

So, dudes, what’s up with the fact that the further you are away from 30, the more obnoxious facial hair you grow?

This is a portrait of what my husband and I would look like if I didn’t mitigate my facial hair. Only, I’m the one who is fatter. So.

I blame the Aqua Net (omg I hope the Aqua Net people don’t stalk the internet for product blasphemy like the *ssh* Mapquest people.) I think that maybe, as a result of the extra-tall blue cans of Aqua Net that I sprayed into my hair in the 80s, coupled with having four kids suck all the hormones and hair-making vitamins out of my body, my hair thinned and gravity pulled the hair through my face onto my eyebrows, mustache, and beard area.

I will never forget finding that first stray, wiry, curly ugly-ass pubic hair on my chin- I was like WTF IS THIS?!

Self portrait and crap, that reminds me- I need a manicure.

Speaking (for some reason) of hair, I had some neighborhood peeps over for like open-swim at our pool yesterday and as I passed out some mango margaritas and got comfy on the shallow-end steps, and OHMYHOLYGOD- this is what I saw when i looked down:

Ok, well, obviously this is not me, because I haven’t worn a white bikini since the 80s. And, duh, I’m not that thin. But I did go ahead and take a before and after picture for you guys of what my legs looked like IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS (plus: husbands!) last night:

Ok, ok. This isn’t me either, I am just amusing myself by searching for hairy pictures on the internet. (that’s gotta be a dude with those legs, right?!)

If I did not wax my eyebrows (which is to say GET them waxed, because ohmygodihateplucking it makes me wanna scream) they would look like this:

Pretty much, sometime in the next few years, I am going to simply attach a vat of Nair (as soon as they stop making it smell like dead chemistry class frogs) to my showerhead and then just pencil in some brows and wear hats to cover up my bald head.

Sounds like a plan!?


 
 
 
 
 
 
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