So it’s my birthday. I write this at the risk of even sounding like I care or want attention for this when in fact I’m too old for either. In a Glassing magazine article I wrote about learning to surf last fall, I said I was turning 50 on this birthday, but it turned out I got the math wrong and I’m 49 (my husband turns 50 this year). This sort of goes to show you how closely we keep track of this stuff at midlife, how much it matters. No parties or celebratory selfies or major gifts are happening or expected here although my kids and husband are always lovely and never forget. We got the first steamed Maryland crabs of the season yesterday, went to the movies over the weekend, and I scheduled a massage (may add pedicure) because the birthday makes this stuff fun and guilt-free.
Full disclosure? The one gift I’d really like to indulge in this year is a huge midlife crisis nervous breakdown- the kind where I really fall apart and go inpatient for awhile at a very posh faraway place to get my head together, get off some of these evil prescription medications I’m on for my killer lifelong migraines and sleep/depression/anxiety issues, and figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. EW GOD HOW DEPRESSING IS THAT? But it’s honest. I mean I’m not talking like full-on ugly concrete psych ward. I’m talking like if I was super rich I’d go to “the country” to a place where I could detox my body, learn to eat right for the first time in my life, maybe exercise for a change (not just kayak for sea glass transportation), do some journaling, work on the book I put off for a year when I started a company, and sort of… this sounds weird and annoying.. “decide what I want to be when I grow up.” (no thanks I don’t want cheese with this whine ass post).
I’ve always had a goal of like sort of having my shit together by 50. It’s not together. I don’t have a good steady income stream, I need to fix that. Taking on a new business partner recently for SeaCrate means I will be able to write again so I’m hopeful that productivity will help me. Finishing my reiki master allowed me to start a new website (thehealingbeach.com) where maybe I can raise income by practicing reiki and teaching (I have just gotten an opportunity to do some part-time teaching at a waterfront resort also). So maybe I’ll work through this odd transition time. The whole late-bloomer thing, I guess. It makes sense maybe- my life was dedicated to raising my kids for a quarter of a century and now that they’re flying the nest I just have to find my way. Motherhood is my proudest achievement. (Yesterday I was simultaneously laughing and horribly guilty because my oldest daughter gave me heirloom tomato plants she grew from seed and one of my other daughters was giving me crap for killing them and thought wow like I’m so proud of my kids but I’m such a crappy mom I kill their plants, wtf is wrong with me?!)
But I can’t afford the luxury of a swanky mid-life crisis. Yet another thing I need to work on is my social life, like I don’t really have one and that’s my own fault for working like a hermit on an island. (Which I love, but it means I don’t have a lot of human interaction, which is perhaps why I do live beachcombs because it’s the only time I interact with people). I am grateful for my online interactions and friends who have helped me navigate my social anxiety.
Ok this post is getting super long and boring. I’m not going to solve my whiny pretend fake midlife crisis by rambling. Reiki and meditation will help. Taking some steps to declutter my life, prioritize my time, and be grateful for what I have will help. I might just like have some cake and a cocktail and chill out a little too, like seriously!!
Thanks for reading. If you’d like to celebrate my birthday I’d love for you to buy an awesome June SeaCrate or check out my new website thehealingbeach.com where you will find some beautiful rainbow sea glass for sale.
In the meantime I’ll be over here thinking about how to get my shit together in 365 days before the big 5-0hhhhshit.