My Latest Articles

My most recent articles are linked below. Thanks for reading!

New Marble Book Focuses on Peltier Brand

When a Non-Dog Person Loses a Dog

Did Someone Say Mermaid Ball?

Beach Meditation

We Don’t All Agree Here

What’s in Your Lunch Box?

Popcorn to Sno-cap Ratio

Costa Rica in Spirit Animals

Last Pediatrician Visit

I Can’t Stay Silent Any Longer

There’s No Rescue From Stupid

Batman and the Queen

Is Seeded Glass Sea Glass?

Four Simple Life Rules

17 Resolutions for 2017

A Simple Family Christmas Tradition

Can You Forgive the Unforgiveable?

What’s on Netflix?

The Night Before Trumpsmas

Suburban Supervillain

Dead Horse Bay: Trash or Treasure?

Battling Depression

I Talk to My Dead Sister

Chime Down, Canada

Your Chakras Are Fucked

The Last Pumpkin Patch trip

Sea Glass Addiction

The Witch In the Maryland Woods

Sea Glass Treasures: Tough to Judge

College Marching Band Mom for Dummies

Beachcombing Family

Stop Buying Fake Sea Glass

Never All Out of Love

London in Fragments: A Mudlark’s Treasure

No Cupholders on Sailboats

Shitty Mom Syndrome

What Sea Glass Teaches Us

Pokemon Stop and Go Traffic

The Importance of Girlfriends

Fireworks Are Mostly Overrated

Disney’s Gone Soft

You Can’t Hurt Me

Not Leaving Las Vegas

Learning to Give Zero Fucks in Life

A Simpler Childhood

The Days are Long, The Years Are Short 

Marching Band is a Sport

Sea Glass Breaking Bad

Little League in the Majors

Don’t Let a Stranger Wax Your Ladygarden

Chilly Hillary or the Warmer Bern?

Run Over By Kayak

Shark Tooth Fossil Hunting

So You Need a Wedding Playlist?

Beware Fake Sea Glass

How to Write When You’re Not Writing

When I’m 50

Extreme Sea Glass Hunting at Davenport Beach California

Good Porn is Hard to Find

The Warning Shot

Baseball Season in the Snow

The Magic of Mudlarking

The Power of ROOM

364 Days of Delightful Nothingness

Throw Out Your Crap, Americans

I Didn’t Feel Fit to Be a Mom (for

That Fruit Thing 

No One Owns the Coastline

Pretending to Believe in Santa

Amy Doesn’t Care That Amy’s Naked (For

When Maryland Screws Maryland

The Fetishization of Gaga

My Sister Did Not Pass Away (for

An Interview With Maryland’s Frank DeFilippo

Are YOU a Bestselling Author?

Frightland Family Fun

Think Like a Marble

Revved Up Like a Douche

Frog Slaughter

Beachcomber’s Nightmare

The Joy of Creating a Villain

The Little Piece of Sea Glass That Couldn’t

You Are Judged By Your School Supplies

His Maserati Does 185

Circular Objects

Five Cool Things About Getting Older

Great Blue Herons Don’t Do Selfies

Judging Other Women Makes Us Judge You

The Ethics of Video Streaming Apps (at Center For Digital Ethics)

My Vagina Was Bored at The Male Stripper Movie

Watch Me Do the Humpty Hump

Happy Birthday to My Best Friend

The Lure of Sea Glass

The Real Mary McCarthy

How to Survive Amusement Park Chaperoning

Goodbye to All the Stuff

B4 and After

Falling Bridges

Diagnosis: Aging

World Series of Mom-Birding

The Naming of Sea Glass Colors

How a Six-Month Separation Saved Our Marriage (for Salon)

Scenes From a Baltimore Book Festival

21 Lessons in Motherhood

Vegan For a Day

You Can’t Read Mommy’s Book

The Endless Quest for Decent TV

Dream Job: International Beachcomber

The Demise of Little League

Abortion is None of Your Business

When Presidential Candidates Ignore Science

Oops, I’m Fat Again

Hail the Mockumentary

Bottomless Pain

You Can’t Ground Your Kid For Being Gay

Kayaking With Consequences

The Elusive Nature of Writing Inspiration

Battered Off the Diamond

A Wasted Friday on the Internet

The Earth Takes Its Stuff Back

My Worst Nightmare

The Literary Douchebag

What Teaching Can Teach You

Hey Thunder Review, Stop Stealing Splice Today’s Content

Too Stiff in One Way and Not the Other (a review of the Fifty Shades of Grey film)

The Joy of Doing Nothing

Keep Your Unimmunized Kids Out of My Kid’s Public School

The Myth of Fort Bragg’s Sea Glass Beach

Embracing The Facebook Cleanse

Flying People

Stop Tattle Texting

The Time I Failed at Meeting Warren Buffett

Breaking Up With the Little Black Dress

The Catholic Disciplinarian

King of Prussia is Upside Down

Two Kinds of Hunters

Facebook Screws Up

The Girl in the Window

The Fragile Nature of Beachcombing (for Salt & Water magazine)

Eat The Pie

Don’t Tell Me to Hang in There

The Saddest Christmas Song

45 Observations of Sesame Street

Revisiting Bedford Falls

He Never Wants to Retire

Finding Gratitude

Jesus Is Not An Asshole

Grief is Exhausting

Sea Glass Seeding Versus Tumbling

My Sister Did Not “Pass Away”

Brief Observations of Hillary Clinton

Can We Blame the Cloud? (for the Center for Digital Ethics)

Stealing Away

The First Pitch

Reading While Pooping

I Don’t Understand Nice People

Buying Twitter Followers is Idiotic

Penises at the Movies

Why I Don’t Work in Customer Service

Bloody Mary

Novel Writing: The Halfway Mark

Mom at a Concert

Die, Beauty Pageants

We As Parents Are The Giving Tree

Save the Cormorants

The Shame of Losing a House

I’m Sick of Mermaids

Pick Me Out a Winner, Bobby

Sports Parent Failure

The Circle Is Real

Yes Feminism Is Sexy

Back to School Tears of Joy

Chill Out, Ice People

The Zen of Sea Glass  (for Salt and Water magazine)

My Cryaking Journey

Parents Are Mortal

The Internet Is Ruining My Hobby

Breaking Up With Family Members

Island Problems

GM Should Recall My Car

Who Are You Online (for Center for Digital Ethics)

The Chesapeake Bay is Doomed

Vacation is Overrated

Emoji Problems

The Scarlet Letter Society Chapter One

Beards and Wind Chimes Need to Go

A Writer Goes Under the Covers  (for Barnes & Noble)

Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex With a Jacuzzi

No Joy in Mudville

I’m Voting for This Guy

I Dream of Tiny Houses

Lady of the Flies

Vive Candy

8 Notes on Maleficent

Dear Class of 2014

Is There Anything Wrong With Parental Bribery?

My Very Short Time as a Stripper

Breaking Up With My Horoscope

In Defense of Thundercunt

No, Bitch, I’m Not Pregnant

Is There Such a Thing as Objectifying Men?

Saint Michaels Craft Distillery Bottles Whiskey and Rum

Just Let Me Turn 50

Fuck Jeans

11 Fictional Characters I Wanted to Be in the 70s-80s

20th Anniversary of Motherhood

Article for Chesapeake Family on my daughter’s World Series of Birding team.

BlogHer featured an article I originally wrote for Splice. Check it out: “11 Ways To Be a Better Blogger

I wrote a piece for the Center for Digital Ethics and Policy called “Effects of Graphic Photo Use in Social Media”

Dealing With Writer’s Terror

Microbeads Are Freaking Me Out

Letting Go of “Let It Go”

If You’ve Ever Been a Waitress

The Douchebag Coach Vs. the Douchebag Parent

A Lethal Scandal Drinking Game

Friendship Default

10 Things You Can Learn From 24 Hours in New York

Nightmare Onstage

The Death of the Greasy Spoon

Losing Faith

Obama and Comedy Between Two Ferns

Not Jaded By the Homeless

OMG A Totes Nightmare

11 Ways to Be a Better Blogger

Town Mouse to Country Mouse

Selling My First Novel

Jumping the Fence

Trusting the Spanx Pee Hole

Psycho Minus the Violins

The Latest Reason To Hate Facebook

When a Dog Attacks Your Kid

Be Your Own Valentine

Longform vs. Listicle

Scared of Fat Shaming

The Real Crazy Cat Lady

Tom Hanks Got Robbed

Escaping a Haunted House

Dear Asshole Neighbor

From High School Musical to Keeping Her Baby

Not Keeping Score in Kids’ Sports

Ativan is Not a Pizza Topping

Terrell Suggs Better Extend His Baltimore Ravens Contract

You, Sir, Are No Writer

Breaking Up With a Dream House

Robot Handjobs Are a Thing

The Art of Facebook Blocking

The Jennifer Lawrence Burden

The Parenting Tunnel

Big Daddy

A Review of Amy Adams’ Tits

5 Reasons Not to Make New Year’s Resolutions

The Innocence of the Rainbow Loom

The Last Christmas Pageant

Don’t Let Your Daughters Grow Up To Be Fox News Anchors

Tending the Bridge (for Chesapeake Inspired)

Judging Splice Today’s Writing Contest

Dear Santa, Baby

Which Christmas Misfit Are You?

Girl, 12

Yes, Goddammit, There Is a Santa Claus

The Boat People

Is Cursive Handwriting Dead?

Funny Blogs, Funny Books

Black Friday Blackens My Mood

A Moment In Time

How to Survive a Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving

I Could Take You to Jail, Ma’am

The Chocolate Covered Cherry Club

15 Seconds to Decide If Your Life is Worthwhile

You Might Be a 90s Mom

My Stint as a Sex Toy Reviewer

My Short Time as a Fast Food Grunt

The Biggest Character on Tilghman Island

What Kind of Crazy Are You?

Hiring Veterans Just Makes Sense

Endangered Maryland

Birding is Not a Whimsical Hobby

A Single Meal (book review: Herman Koch’s The Dinner)

Born Without a Filter

Down With Halloween Helicopter Parents 

Monsters in the News

Trick or Treating Etiquette Tips

Castles in the Sand

No, I Wouldn’t Kill to Have Her Body

Conspiracy Theories About Fainting Pregnant Women

Funniest Tweets About Facebook Shutdown

The Endangered Watermen

Talking to Your Teen About Sex

Meet My Ghost

Five News Stories That Will Make You Believe in Zombies

Every Single Episode of Wife Swap

Maids of Dishonor

Just Ask Him About the Music

Kids Are Dying From Cyberbullying

Baltimore Museums Aren’t Boring

Beachcombing: A Sense of Community

I Hate My Breast Tumor

The Humor in a Government Shutdown

Sangria Conversations: What’s a Gunt?

It’s Time To Blame the NRA

The Worst Breakfast I’ve Ever Loved

What Kayaking Will Teach You

12 Ridiculous BuzzFeed Headlines

Top 8 Things Wacky Conservative Blogs Have in Common

God, Please Tell Me the Pope is Gay

Why Generation X is Missing

We All Hate Our Boobs

Don’t Mess With the Pumpkin Latte, Starbucks

Fox News Must Fire Todd Starnes

Thank a Teacher

The Politics of Hip-Hop Cardio

The 10 Sleaziest Tweets So Far This Month from The Fake McCain

Lessons in Motherhood From a Spider

You Fail at Twitter

Here’s What Self-Involved Feminists Should Worry About

The Instaporn Overshare

Why Are You Calling Out Fat Lesbians?

Mean Girls Suck

Let the Boys Wear Pink


Perusing StumbleUpon Categories

If You Linkbait Troll, You Are a Bad Person

The Advantages of Being Poor

Back to School Blahs

Sea Glass Hunting for Dummies

The Frightened Entertainer 

Are You a Good Feminist or a Bad Feminist?

My Job Would Be Perfect If I Hated My Boss

Dentist Offices: The Great Unifier

I Hate Dogs

5 Reasons Office Space is a Cult Classic

Teaching is All About the Glasses

Bruce Willis is Smoking Hot in The Fifth Element

Welcome to Tilghman Island

Breaking Up With Toxic People

Texas is an Embarrassment

The Story of the Red Plate

8 Ways to Avoid Screwing Up Instagram

Erotica Review: Sex Worm Apocalypse

Dear Cranky Commenter Troll

My Love-Hate Relationship With Diet Coke

Nice Beaver

Camp “Read a Book”

My Interview With a Hipster

I Want to Kill a Placenta Tree

Candy Crush Cheats Equal Having No Life

You Can Probably See Me Naked

Are You Standing Up When You Pee?

7 Reasons The Breakfast Club is the Best Movie of the 1980s

How to Get High Speed Internet in 2013

Memoirs of a Girl Scout Leader

It’s My Birthday, and Who Gives a Fuck?

Sometimes You Embarrass Your Kid Just By Existing

The Girl With No Fingerprints

The Spirits of Ireland

10 Ways to Fail at Traveling In Ireland

Luck o’ The Irish? Or Just Jameson?

Keeping Score in Little League Baseball

Messing Up a Girl’s Lady Parts Isn’t Cool

The Passing of Orlando Ridout V is Maryland’s Loss

The Flopping Penis

10 Things I Hate About Facebook

Failure to Unplug

The Curmudgeonly Judge

Deleted: Pussy

The Victimless Hit and Run

I’m A Dry Drunk

The Not-So-Wonderful Wizard of Oz

The Tooth Fairy is a Fraud

I Learned About Sex From Salt-n-Pepa

Top Ten Reasons I Hate Mommybloggers

My Vagina Hates Spin Class

Playing With Guns

Gone Girl: A Chilling Roller Coaster Read

My Virtual Valentines

Accidental Sea Glass Suicide

The Terrifying Nature of Hope

Fuck This Cold Weather

How to Fail at Being Sexy

In Defense of Air Supply

My First Paid Writing Gig

On Notre Dame Fandom

The Titanic Exhibit Experience

Granny Panties

Just Go See Les Miserables

What’s Your Favorite Christmas Song?

On Trespassing, Sea Glass, and Madness

Gifts That Will Never Be Opened

Meeting Steinbeck

The Unintentional Martha Stewart Christmas

My Brief Career In Shoplifting

A Hometown Holiday Visit

10 Ways to Embrace Your Inner Grinch

Ding Dong, Is Lori Really Dead?

Housekeeping Zen

The Bay: A Toxic Mix of Frankenfish and Government

What Kind of Mom Are You?

Hurricane Preparedness: Why I Suck

Politricks as Usual

The Liberation of the F Bomb

Lessons From Gal Sprout Camp

Frankenweenie is Delicious

There’s An Addictive App for That

Twitter Unfollow Etiquette

10 Things I Learned From the Current Issue of Cosmo

Here’s to You, Mr. Overly Enthusiastic Dick Pic Sender

Maryland: Eastern Shore vs. Western Shore

How to Lose 50 Pounds By Eating Bacon

Calls From the Ghetto

Hope Springs is a So-So Girlfriend Movie

The Maryland Renaissance Festival is Actually Fun

5 Reasons I Suck at Writing a Novel

Finding the Lump in My Breast

My Life as a Mascot

I Am Waterwoman, Hear Me Roar

Five Kids’ Movies That Don’t Suck

We’re All Going to Die

Judge Not, Bitches

The Best Campaign of This Election Year

Keynote Smackdown: Martha Stewart vs. Katie Couric

How to Raise an Agnostic

Life is a Big Gay Cabaret

Long Live Stephen the King

Top of the Lungs Music Therapy

Maryland is for Steamed Crabs

Topper Moms Are Bottom Feeders

Driven Crazy at the MVA

Magic Mike Movie Review By My Vagina

Nora Ephron’s Writing Inspiration for Women

The Glass Ceiling Myth

Rock of Ages is All About Moist Panties

10 Reasons I’m Too Old for Camping

No Slim Jims at The Gym

Unnecessary Graduations

Progress is the Enemy of Masculinity

11 Things About 50 Shades

Saint Sarah Palin

Bring It, Mexico

Jesus Christ: The Cartoon

Edit My Profile: I’m DEAD

Wonder Womanatrix

Happy Birthday, Birth Control

Textually Inconsistent

The Other Punch to the Gut

No Google for Cougars


What’s the Problem With Whoring?

Don’t Call Me Shirley

Bite Me

Sizing Yourself Up

Wipes? My Ass


A Very Vine Mess

Queue This




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